I want to believe what she says: that she loves all her children, that she wants to raise Joy and take care of her, that she wanted to stay home with us… but then, when I look at what she does, I don’t know.
Here are some of the things she said (and did) when I visited this past weekend: Continue reading →
There’s a little girl sitting on the swings. Her hair is in a messy bun on top of her head, the hair near the nape falling backwards to touch the soft skin of her neck. She’s in a white shirt, a black skirt and shiny black dress shoes, frilly white socks hugging her tiny ankles. She was scuffing her toes in the sand, kicking back and forth, slowly rocking on the swing.
I manage to make it through with loving feelings towards my mother; able to, for that day at least, pretend as though she truly cares for me, that she loves me with all her heart, that she wants to be a part of my life because I am her most cherished treasure.
But I know it’s all a lie.
I know that it’s not love I feel, but rather a wish – a longing – for my mother to be like all the other good moms I see out there.
The Scapegoat: the one who always makes the bad decisions, who is continuously shamed and derided for their choices, who is seen as the “black sheep” of the family, who bears the brunt of all disappointments. Continue reading →
Earlier this week, I wanted to do something nice for my sister. She’s pregnant, you see, and going through quite a rough time, being mired in the daily drama that is my family. I thought taking her out to a movie to get her mind off things might help.
Of course, my mother just had to find a way to make it about her.
This song keeps playing over and over in my head, and its melancholic melody keeps making me think of my love.
I’m not sure when this post will go up (I’m actually using these latest ones to cheat at NaNoWriMo – don’t tell anyone!), but as I’m writing it it’s less than twenty two hours before I will be on a flight home.
Of course, I’m up at 4:19 a.m. with horrible anxiety about the whole thing. Continue reading →