I can’t do it.

He wants me to come home and be a wife and a mother and I can’t do it.

He wants me to just “get a job” and stay at his place and live with him and be happy and I can’t do it.

He wants me to choose the school closest to him because he’s afraid I won’t ever put him first and I can’t do it.

He wants me to hop on a plane and give up the scholarship I already have and I can’t do it.

He wants me to close down my opportunities at a successful future because he thinks I’m “defining success through my work” and that society is making me do that and that it’s stupid and that I should stop and I can’t do it.

He wants me to say “fuck it” to what everyone else thinks and says and believes and I can’t do it.

He wants me to come home so he can be happy and he wants me to be happy too but I know I won’t be cuz I won’t be fulfilled and I just can’t do it.

He wants me to come home because he’s sacrificed so much by simply “waiting” but he wants me to sacrifice a lot more by closing doors that haven’t even been opened yet just so he can feel okay and I can’t do it.

He wants me to rush into marriage and rush into children and rush back home because he wants it all now, he wants to be married yesterday and engaged last year, wants kids next month and grandkids by the time he’s 40, wants to be able to “run around and play with them while he’s young” which is a great reason to pressure your soon-to-be-wife(-and-already-would-be-if-he-could-have-it) into having kids like right now and I can’t. Fucking. Do it.

He wants me to give up the things that I love so that he can have the thing that he loves and forgets just how depressed and suicidal I was when I was in that situation, when I did put him first, when I did choose him, before anything else, before any other option had ever crossed my mind, when I graduated and came straight home so I could be with him, and he was happy, and I was decidedly not happy, was content with never having to wake up ever again, and it appalls me how he can forget all of this, how he can pretend like it never happened, act like it wasn’t just twelve months ago, and he wants me to come home and be in that same situation again and I just can’t. Fucking. Do. It.

He wants me to just “get a job” like every other person in the world and seems to be unable to get it through his thick skull that I don’t want a fucking job because I am terrible at doing what other people say, am terrible at getting anywhere on time, am terrible at maintaining interest in one thing for so long, so that it wouldn’t make sense for me to get a corporate job, I couldn’t succeed there, I wouldn’t be fulfilled there, wouldn’t be happy there, but that’s okay because he has me and he’s happy and that’s all he needs, and if I have him then I’ll be just as happy and that’s all I need, right??? Except it’s not, except I did come home to be with him and I did have him and I still wanted to die, still felt like something was missing, still felt like nothing was going right in my life, like I wasn’t doing anything important with my life, and I hated my boss, and I wanted to die, and I came to Japan and ended up in the exact same situation with another horrible manager how made me want to kill myself, and I swore to myself that I would never ever ever put myself in that sort of situation again, except now he’s asking me to do it and saying that if I don’t then I must not love him enough, must not care about him enough because he’s sacrificing so. damn. much by just waiting and now it’s my turn, now he wants me to sacrifice potentially the rest of my life so he can be happy, so I can once again feel like I want to wither away and die and I. Can. Not. Fuck. Ing. Do. That.

And all he needs to do is wait a little longer, have some faith in me and himself, take a leap of faith and try something that scares him, that scares me, and see what happens, believe that it will all go right.

But he just can’t fucking do it.


One thought on “I can’t do it.

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