I am writing this to say that I’m sorry.
I know I’m being a pretty shitty partner right now. I know I’ve been pretty shitty for a while, and that you’ve lost faith in me.
I know you don’t trust me to choose you first, to put you first, and hell, why would you? I’ve done nothing but the opposite of that for the past year or so.
I constantly seek out others’ guidance to validate my decisions. I have no faith in myself. And because I see you as an extension of myself, that means that I also have very little faith in you.
And that’s no way to go about building a family.
I have to believe in you. I have to believe in us. I have to believe in me.
I have to trust that we have what we need to make this thing called marriage work.
I have to trust that you’re going to be there for me no matter what.
I have to trust that you have our best interests at heart.
I have to trust that you’ll support me in all my endeavors.
But I also have to be willing.
I have to be willing to stand up for you when that little voice in my head tells me to say something.
I have to be willing to tune out all the noise and focus on what I believe is right.
I have to be willing to sacrifice a few things in order to get something much greater and much more valuable – a happy, comfortable, lasting life with you, with our family.
I have to be willing to put you first, to choose you above all else, to do everything in my power to build our trust, because that’s something that I’ve taken from you and you more than deserve to have it back.
And I keep making excuses and saying that “it won’t happen overnight” and “I’m still learning” because “it takes time,” but the more I sit here and think about it the more I realize that’s a bullshit excuse to keep me in this state of complacency because I’m scared.
I’m afraid, and I don’t have the guts to get off my ass and do what I need to do to make you happy.
But words are empty, beautiful things. It’s actions that truly tell the intentions of the heart.
So I’m going to try and show you.
Every day, from this point on, I make it a point to choose you first. Because you are my family, and you deserve to be treated like it.
I want you to have faith in me, so I will have faith in me, and in you, and in us.
Forever and always and eternity.
❤ your f.a.e.
Many thanks to Leila for the inspiration.