I have to make a difficult decision today.
Do I continue to stay here, watching as our relationship gets ripped apart?
Do I go home, and disappoint my family and have the eye of society condemning the choice I made?
It should be very simple. But it’s not.
TM is my family. He is already my family, and he is going to be my official family soon, too.
When your family needs you, you have to be there for them.
The selfish and easy thing to do would be to stay here, to make sure I could support myself in case we didn’t last. But what kind of thought process is that, to make a commitment to someone and still be afraid that it’s not going to last? Did I not just write about this yesterday?
My husband needs me. And I have to be there for him.
But what about Japan? You could do so much there!
I already don’t like my life in Japan. Yeah, going out into the city is fun, but that would be fun no matter where I go. I’m only here because I literally had no other choice. I couldn’t afford to pay my student loans, and I had no viable career options. Japan was a last resort.
So you can’t afford to go home, can you?
I guess not. All I can do is make sure I save up and have enough to cushion me when I do decide to leave. TM says that he will take care of everything, and I believe him. I will probably feel like I’m not contributing, but that just means I’ll have to bust my ass to make sure I’m an equal member of the household.
You’re kind of a hypocrite, you know that?
Yes, I know. I fought with TM about how he hasn’t done anything hard for me, and how he just wants me to do all the hard things. I didn’t realize that him deciding to take on the financial responsibility of two adults in today’s economy is possibly one of the hardest things he could do. And it would be little sacrifice on my part to come home and support him through that.
But won’t you resent him later on?
I don’t know. But then again, I won’t know if I’ll resent staying here and losing something wonderful. There are so many possibilities in life. I could stay here and hate my life and regret not coming home. I could go home and hate my life and regret not staying here. The thing I need to consider is, which one of those is going to cause me more pain?
Actually, that’s not true. After all, I just wrote a post about how inspirational I thought it was to see love as not an avenue for happiness, but as an avenue for growth, and change, and sacrifice. And what would I be sacrificing to stay here where I’m comfortable? How am I going to grow or change for the better if I’m just doing what I’ve always been doing?
But everyone else has already TRIED that! It doesn’t work.
I disagree. First of all, I’m not everyone else. Just because something works for everyone else (and it’s not everyone else, it’s most other people, but even that might not be true), doesn’t mean it’s going to work for me. Everyone else gets a 9-to-5 job (again, not everyone, but mostly!), and I already know I don’t want that. So why should I do what everyone else is doing with regards to my relationship if I know that’s not what’s going to make me happy?
But your mother is warning you. Your family is warning you. I’M warning you! You’re making a mistake.
Love is not a mistake. Love can never be a mistake. Giving up a chance to grow and change for love in order to stay on the safe path is the mistake. Being afraid to take a chance and do something that will make you a better person is the mistake. Not being true to yourself, holding steady due course on a voyage you don’t even want to go on is the mistake. Not following through on your commitments is the mistake. Being too afraid to do what you know will make you happy, what you know will make others happy is the mistake. Being scared of what everyone else is going to think about you is the mistake. Loving someone is not a mistake. Being willing to work through hardship is not a mistake. Taking a chance at the seeming “impossible” is not a mistake. Staying true to yourself, being authentic and genuine, and doing what you feel is right for you is not a mistake. And loving someone is not a mistake. Loving someone is never a mistake. Love can never be a mistake. My husband is not a mistake.
My husband needs me, and so I need to be there for him. Whatever else happens, we’ll get through it. But we have to have faith in each other. We have to believe in each other, and in ourselves, that no matter what path we go down, it’s all going to work out for us.
And the first step on that journey is for me to go home.