[The Family] The Engagement

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I am excited to announce that TM is now my fiance, and we are engaged to be married.

Unfortunately, our celebratory happiness was spoiled by a select few members of my family, whom I call the Trifecta.

The Trifecta refers to the surrogate mothers of my sisters and I. I say surrogate because my grandmother was the one who primarily raised us, with my mother and two of my aunts taking over the role of primary caregiver as we aged into the teenage and young adult years.

My mother was not happy to hear about my engagement and plans for marriage. She said that she was “disappointed and disheartened,” because TM did not come to her first and ask for her permission. She said that this spoke a lot to his “character” and how he was “raised”, and that he needed to apologize to her.

And he did. TM didn’t really have much of a choice. In the interventionist-style meetings that happen in The Family, those in the hot seat have very little control over the proceedings. When you’ve got seven family members over the age of thirty jumping down your throat, and younger sisters watching on in glee, it’s hard to do anything but comply to make it all stop quicker. I was used to it. TM, not so much.

He was visibly frustrated afterwards. I told him it wasn’t that bad, that at least I hadn’t ended up crying in front of them (we’re taught from an early age that crying is a form of weakness that should never be shown in public, and during an Intervention is about as public as The Family could get). In fact, I ended up crying much later, and he was the one comforting me. It took his experiencing it for himself to actually make me realize just how fucked up a situation this was.

I’m not going to write everything I need to in this one post. I can’t possibly fit it all, and I don’t have the time to sit down and craft everything in the way I know it needs to be done. Suffice it to say that I’ve made some heartbreaking realizations about my relationship with my mother, and they will probably take me months to work through anyway.

Thus, this blog maintains its title of Things of a Sensitive Nature, in which from now on I will be working to come to terms with the emotional environment in which I was raised, and strive to create an identity for myself that will allow me to live a better future.

I titled this post for two reasons, and I’ll add on a third I just thought of:

  1. I became engaged to my wonderful fiance, TM. Finally! It just feels like the right label for our relationship right now. We’ve known we’ve wanted to get married for months, and I’ve known he’s wanted to marry me since we started dating, and I knew that he was the kind of man I could marry before we even started dating. So this just feels super right for us.
  2. I had to engage in a battle for my right to life with The Family, the Trifecta and more specifically Mother. This has been going on for years now, and the war is far from over, but I finally feel like a battle has been won. It required me to stand up for myself and for what is right to me, and to not be afraid to engage in face-to-face combat with those who have unwittingly made it so difficult for me to live my life.
  3. I have to engage with my past, Mother’s past, my present emotions, our present relationship, my desires for the future, and her possible future actions in order to work through past trauma and begin to design a life that’s right for me. It’s time to go one-on-one with all of these sensitive feelings, and work through them so that I can start to move past them on my way to recovery.

Things are going to get a lot more personal. I have half a mind to change my name so that no one will be able to link this site back, and I might do it, if only to protect the privacy of others. Like I said, it’s about to get real, but this is something I need to do for myself, for my family, and for my future children.

So, grab your popcorn and take a seat. My sisters had a wonderful time doing that at the latest Family Intervention. I’m sure you’ll enjoy the show.

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