Speaking My Truth

I’ve accepted that I cannot ever again trust my mother.

Even though the instinct is there — the want, the need — is there, I know rationally that it’s best for everyone involved if I don’t listen to a word she says.

Now I’m able to recognize when her ramblings do contain some nugget of truth (though usually because it’s a widely known opinion of some sort), and I’m able to extract those things and take the rest of what she says with an entire shaker of salt.

I want to say that I’m proud of myself for how far I’ve come and how much I’ve grown, because if I was still thinking like how I was this time last year, who knows how derailed my life would be now.

Mother thinks it’s a bad idea for me to take on a babysitting job that would make me some more money and give me more time with some of my favorite students.

Instead she would rather I come to work for her and help her start her (or, as she likes to say, “our”) entertainment business.

Now I’m at a point where I can see through what she’s saying, and realize that she’s encouraging me to not do something that would benefit me (under the guise of it being “too much responsibility”) and instead do something that would benefit her (under the guise of it being for me, too).

I don’t need my mother to start an entertainment business. I’ve already taken my steps to get to that dream of mine.

She, however, needs me.

She’s not an ideas woman. She doesn’t have the grit to sit down and actually write. She’s not very good at follow-through. She’s got a lot of dreams, but not very many goals.

But I have goals, as well as dreams, and I’ve actually achieved things on the way already. It would pull her up so much to have me on her team.

But for me, she would only bring me down.

Especially because she still manages to find ways to make me feel bad about making decisions she didn’t agree with.

See, just like I said, you should have taken the $1000 I offered you from that tax refund. But you didn’t want to take it, and now you’re struggling with the wedding, and it’s like, “Should have listened to mom.”

At first my instinct was to say she was right, because mother is always right, isn’t she? But then I thought about what TM’s mother would have said in the same situation, and she never would say anything like that, let alone even pressured me to let her use me in such a way in the first place.

So when I hung up the phone, I was just going to ignore the comment and keep going about my business.

But you know what?

What she said bothered me, and I figured, even if it wouldn’t make a difference in her behavior, I would say something, so that I could get it off my chest for myself.

So I called her back, and I told her.

I told her that there was a reason that I didn’t take that money from her: because I knew she was going to hold it over my head. I didn’t even take it from her, and she still managed to find a way to hold it over my head.

The rest of that conversation might make it into another blog post; maybe not. The point of this post was simply to state that I’ve found it incredibly empowering to speak my truth instead of hiding in fear of what other people might think of what I have to say.

Especially my mother.

I hope I can continue to be authentic in this manner, now and for the rest of my life.

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