She Has No Maternal Instincts

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This is not my mother.

That urge to just love your baby, no matter what?

I’m not quite sure my mother has it.

I want to believe what she says: that she loves all her children, that she wants to raise Joy and take care of her, that she wanted to stay home with us… but then, when I look at what she does, I don’t know.

Here are some of the things she said (and did) when I visited this past weekend: Continue reading

My Mother Is Gone

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There’s a little girl sitting on the swings. Her hair is in a messy bun on top of her head, the hair near the nape falling backwards to touch the soft skin of her neck. She’s in a white shirt, a black skirt and shiny black dress shoes, frilly white socks hugging her tiny ankles. She was scuffing her toes in the sand, kicking back and forth, slowly rocking on the swing.

Her mother was nowhere to be found.

Continue reading

Jealous of the Good Moms

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Mother’s Day should be hell for me.

I manage to make it through with loving feelings towards my mother; able to, for that day at least, pretend as though she truly cares for me, that she loves me with all her heart, that she wants to be a part of my life because I am her most cherished treasure.

But I know it’s all a lie.

I know that it’s not love I feel, but rather a wish – a longing – for my mother to be like all the other good moms I see out there.

Continue reading

How Can She Be So Self-Centered?

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CC BY 2.0 Victoria Henderson

Earlier this week, I wanted to do something nice for my sister. She’s pregnant, you see, and going through quite a rough time, being mired in the daily drama that is my family. I thought taking her out to a movie to get her mind off things might help.

Of course, my mother just had to find a way to make it about her.

Continue reading

Update: Twists and Turns

It’s been a long time since I looked at these pages.

I don’t have anything to say just yet, though there’s a lot bubbling up beneath the surface. A lot is going on, and it’s always helpful for me to have a dumping ground for my thoughts.

So here’s a look at what’s been going on these past few months. I’ll delve into some of these things pretty soon.

  • I made it safely home
  • I found a new job
  • I learned my mom is pregnant
  • I learned my sister is pregnant
  • I learned my aunt (NAunt2) is getting divorced
  • I found an affordable therapist
  • I was diagnosed with PTSD
  • I started to work through my child sexual abuse
  • I may have remembered things I’m not yet ready to remember
  • I continued to deal with feelings of worthlessness and self-harm
  • I was triggered by rape scenes and suicide in movies
  • I found out my mom had preeclampsia and needed an emergency c-section
  • I got a new baby sister
  • I took control of my life

I think I’ll start on the child abuse. That’s a story I’ve rarely told. And there’s some other abuse, some I’m not sure of, that I’ll need to get out sooner or later as well.

But all in good time.

Suffice to say, I am happy, very happy, much happier than I’ve ever been in a long time, even though it still feels uncomfortable to say so sometimes.

I’m going back to who I was — who I was meant to be, and may have become, had certain things in my life not happened. (Maybe I’ll tell you that story someday, too.)

As for now, hello again, and I’ll speak to you soon.

Not Even Unto Death Do Us Part

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[TW for brief mentions of suicidal ideation.]

I can’t sleep right now.

This song keeps playing over and over in my head, and its melancholic melody keeps making me think of my love.

I’m not sure when this post will go up (I’m actually using these latest ones to cheat at NaNoWriMo – don’t tell anyone!), but as I’m writing it it’s less than twenty two hours before I will be on a flight home.

Of course, I’m up at 4:19 a.m. with horrible anxiety about the whole thing. Continue reading